There I go again, thinking. I think some more...if I say I trust God to provide for us...if I say I trust God to know what's best for my family...if I really believe what has been revealed to me over the last several months about God's desire and plan for families...mothers...wives...and I go out and work to make grocery money to buy provision for my family...then am I really trusting God? Or am I trying to do His job in my own strength?

Something I wrote in a previous post:

The book, The Power of Motherhood, by Nancy Campbell, is one that I have been studying with a few friends of mine, also fellow homeschoolers...and SAHMs. It has really opened my eyes to what God expects of me as a mother and homemaker as well as the worth of such a noble calling. Our society has really denigrated the role of mothers and the important job they do. It's not just an occupation, it's a calling. Nothing else compares to it,  nothing else requires so much sacrifice, nothing else brings such reward and fulfillment...even though we must wait long and patiently to see the fruit of our labors bloom and ripen in the lives of the children we have poured our own lives into.

Of course, we don't live in a perfect world and sometimes mothers have to work. Every family has to discern for themselves what God wants for them, if they are serving God that is. If they're not, well, they still have the responsibility to decide what is best for their family. Ultimately, the choices are always ours to make...and our choice is to follow God's teaching, His plan for the family, and have me at home. I know in my heart that is where I belong. I do not feel any less a woman because I have chosen to 'just be a stay at home mom.' I don't feel superior to those who choose to work outside the home. I feel secure and peaceful in my decision. It is right for our family.

I started taking a class in July at my church...In Christ's Image Training through Francis Frangipane Ministries. It was a six month class, very intense. I learned a LOT in that class, but mostly I learned how really unChristlike I really am. Being one that has struggled with perfectionist tendencies, that is hard to take. I mean, I knew I had lots of 'room to grow' and I wasn't anywhere near perfect, but I really thought I was a little farther along in the process than what I really was. I took it hard...started sinking into a funk...retreating inward. By the end of the year, I was feeling so snarly and prickly and ugly inside I can't even hardly describe it. It wasn't pretty, trust me.

I think that was the time I really made up my mind to quit my job. I had to face the fact that I was being disobedient to the call on my life. Then there's the scary WHEN exactly do I do it thing...right in the middle of the slowest time of year for my husband's job? We talked about it and finally decided that I would put my big girl panties on and stick it out until March, when things at his job pick up again. I wanted it to be the first of March, but he wanted me to work until the end of the month...so, I agreed.  I had to keep silent about it for months...then two of the longest weeks I've ever endured...since my boss is on Facebook and I'm friends with her! I didn't want her to see it online or someone else see it and tell her before I had a chance to.

Which brings us to March, 2010. Which started off in a very interesting way...

The very first Wednesday in March, I got a phone call from a collection agency. They said they sent us a letter, and since I remembered getting one in January from some place, I just assumed it was them. I told them what our priorities are...feed the kids, keep a roof over their heads, keep the vehicle running and the insurance current. Anything after that goes to pay on any debts we have. And since we follow Dave Ramsey's plan, that means we pay on the smallest thing first so if there's something in line before them, they are going to have to wait. She tried to pull her Collection Agent charms on me, but it didn't work. Eventually she said they'd call back in 30 days. A look through our files indicates we did NOT, in fact, receive a letter from this particular collection agency...interesting. On my way to work that evening, the rear wiper blade on our van quit working.

The next day, our van wouldn't start for my husband in the morning...battery was dead as a doornail. He eventually got the van started and made it to work. Later that day, I got another phone call from the same collection agency. When I told this lady that I had talked to someone just the day before, her response was "Well, you're going to keep getting these calls until you pay this." Oh really now...I told her the lady I talked to, who claimed to be "Sally Davis", said they'd call back in 30 days and this was definitely NOT 30 days. She kind of him-hawed around and said "Well, she must have forgotten to take your name off the list and it's an automatic dialer. I'll take it off but it will take 48 hours for it to be effective."

My husband gets home and works on the van, trying to isolate whatever is sucking our battery dry since the battery turned out to be fine...something was drawing massive amounts of power from it somewhere. I had plans to go out with some friends that night, and believe me I needed that! I was really starting to freak out...I'm quitting my job in 27 days, bill collectors are calling and our van's falling apart. Great. Super. What am I thinking????? I felt the steely, cold, death-grip of fear beginning to claw at my mind...

I ended up borrowing my in-law's van and off I went. I talked to my friends about what was going on and they just told me what I already suspected, which did help to calm my nerves. I was under a spiritual attack. Satan does not want me to stay home and bring my children up in the Lord's way. He wants me to be gone as much as possible from my children, so other things can influence them and lead them away from God. And throwing all this craziness at me causes me to doubt...doubt that we made the right decision...doubt that I really heard clearly from the Lord. It's so wonderful to have friends that are supportive and encouraging, who can help you see things clearly.

I had researched this collection agency and found it to have a terrible rating with the BBB...like an F. They are known for unscrupulous business practices...such as trying to collect on 'zombie debts', continually harassing and even threatening people, and even trying to collect on debt that doesn't even belong to a person, such as someone with the same or similar name to one on an account they are trying to collect on. They even use fictitious names when you ask them for a name..."Sally Davis" is apparently a commonly used name. Fortunately, one of my friends used to be a debt collector and gave me good advice!

On the way home, I began to pray. I have not prayed that earnestly in I don't know how long...